Shivering sailors claim ‘Chicago is treating us well’ in shaky video of a puddle at the White Sox home of Guaranteed Rate Field

“All is well,” asserted JP Crawford, looking slightly off-center at the camera for some reason, “there is no cause for alarm.”

The Seattle Mariners shortstop brushed raindrops from his forehead for the first of a few dozen times throughout the clip clearly recorded by phone and delivered to media via Chicago White Sox PR. He squinted as if perhaps trying to perceive something in the distance, and continued.

“Despite the h-hateful and false reports that playing tonight’s game was a misguided mandate from the W-White Sox to get this game n-no matter how poorly they prepared their ground to host professional baseball, I can assure you there is no validity!We all agreed with Mr La Russa when we saw the 45 minute footage where the meteorologists were saying ‘light rain’ and he said ‘In the 70s, we played most of our games in 45 minutes, I don’t see a problem at all.'”

At this point, the camera moved down briefly before refocusing, with a muffled voice from the camera operator who seemed to be calling Crawford with urgency. The Seattle shortstop responded with apparent concern.

“OK OK! Put down Haniger, he didn’t do anything! (softly) I mean he really didn’t… Sorry sorry! Ehrm, oh, yeah. Speaking on behalf of our starter Robbie Ray, he there was no problem with the ground in the second run, and he would like me to convey without coercion or threat to his life that the mound was in excellent condition all night, and especially in the second run.

There was no problem that could have been solved by the Chicago field team midway through that bottom of the second, when Chicago scored four of their six points, three of them on wild pitch, a pair of ” simple” ground ball and a ball to me that a deep fake video edit on the show made me look like my feet slipped a foot or two into the dry dirt of the muddy-DRY INFIELD infield.

Crawford’s eyes seem to dart quickly to the side for a moment, then he appears to say “I’m sorry” to the camera, before continuing to speak at a more frantic pace.

“Uh, uh, yeah, anyway, it’s all good here in Chicago, tomorrow’s game should be great. We scored four points tonight after all, we only lost by two! is having fun, isn’t it? You can hear them laughing, I’m sure ha ha ha oh uhh France hit a bomb! That was awesome! Everyone loved it! was still dry… LIKE IT WAS THE WHOLE GAME YES, OKAY YES LET TORO GO! and the median and modal rainfall during the game was closer to zero inches per hour than six! No, no Scott don’t-“

The video ended there, leaving us all curious to know exactly what happened Wednesday night in Chicago. Tony La Russa, Scott Servais and all members of the Seattle Mariners roster and travel party could not immediately be reached for comment.

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